Once Dishonored Read online

  Kendra and Lucas and Simon took their leave. Outside, Lucas said, “Simon, I know you have work to do in the City, so you can take the carriage. Kendra and I will walk home since it’s turned into such a pleasant day.”

  “That’s a good idea. Tell Suzanne I’ll be home before dinner.” He grinned at Lucas. “One of these days you’ll have to start attending these business meetings, too.”

  “But you’re so much better at such things,” Lucas responded.

  Simon responded with a roll of his eyes and climbed into the carriage. Kendra loved watching the brotherly interplay between the two cousins. She would have liked to have a brother or sister. She’d wanted to give Christopher one. The thought of her failure produced a surprising wrench of pain.

  Burying it, she took Lucas’s arm and they began strolling back across Mayfair. “Are you in business with Simon?” she asked.

  “Yes, though I’ve not been very active. Our mothers were sisters and their father was a very successful businessman. He left his property to his daughters and to us, his only grandchildren. Simon is very active in the management and he’s been dropping dire hints that I should be, too.”

  “Will you join him?”

  “As I said, Simon is better at it.” Lucas smiled wryly. “Being missing and presumed dead for years was a good way of avoiding work, but my conscience is prodding me to start paying more attention.”

  “A conscience is useful but so often annoying,” she murmured.

  “Very true.” He glanced down at her. “How do you feel about our progress?”

  “Surprisingly pleased,” she said. “Kirkland is an impressive spider, and if Hazel is a good example, he finds excellent people for his investigations.”

  “When I was in Brussels before and after Waterloo, I met other people of Kirkland’s and yes, they’re all very intelligent and good at what they do.”

  “Hazel will surely find where Christopher is, won’t she?” Kendra asked wistfully.

  “I believe she will,” Lucas said. “And if she fails, we’ll find him in another way.”

  “Thank you for saying what I need to hear. I hope I’m not becoming tiresome.” She swallowed hard. “Ever since Christopher was born, I’ve had nightmares of him being ripped from my arms,” she whispered. “Even though he’s a proper little boy now, I still see him as a helpless infant, and there is nothing I can do to save him.”

  He put his hand over hers where it gripped his arm. “You’ve some Scots blood, so perhaps it’s a touch of the Sight, and you saw him being taken from you some time in the future. Now that that has happened, it’s time to change your nightmares to dreams of being reunited with him.”

  “Do you think that will help?” she asked doubtfully.

  “It can’t hurt. Our worst fears can take over our minds, yet often things turn out better than expected.”

  “Has that happened to you?”

  “Oh, yes, several times I was sure I was going to die, and I didn’t,” he replied. “I also felt that I would be forever estranged from my earlier life and family, yet here I am. Somewhat confused, but slowly sorting myself out.”

  “You looked very pleased when Lady Kirkland asked if you would work as a bonesetter at her infirmary.”

  “I am. I’m as much a healer as a sailor, and that part of me has been neglected since Waterloo. Burned out, perhaps. So many wounded.” He fell silent for a dozen paces. “It seemed as if anyone in Brussels who could carry water or wrap a bandage or help a wounded man walk was helping. It was quite extraordinary, equally rewarding and exhausting.”

  She’d read stories of the quiet heroism of the people of Brussels. “I imagine that Suzanne was working right next to you?”

  “Yes, along with every other person residing in the house.” He sighed. “I wish I could have done more.”

  “All we can do is our best.” She smiled wryly. “Guilt at not being able to do more is optional.”

  “What? I thought guilt was compulsory.” He glanced at her and they both laughed. She was rather amazed that despite all the problems she faced, she could laugh with Lucas.

  “A bonesetter once reset my shoulder after I was thrown from my horse,” she said. “The pain was excruciating, yet he was able to end it within moments. Extraordinary.”

  “That sort of work is very satisfying,” he said. “Not all joint problems are so easily solved, but usually I can help at least a little. Frère Emmanuel trained me very well. He came from a family of bonesetters and since he had no sons, he taught me everything he knew, which included techniques he said were unique to his family.”

  “Have you considered teaching others how to be bonesetters?” she asked. “Surely such special knowledge should be passed along.”

  “I hadn’t thought of that.” He was silent for half a block, thinking. “But perhaps I should. Frère Emmanuel would always help anyone in need. I’m sure he would approve of sharing his knowledge.” They were approaching Duval House, so he continued, “Would you like to say hello to Suzanne before we go on to Thorsay House?”

  “I’d like that.”

  They entered and found Suzanne in the drawing room with Madeline sleeping peacefully in her lap. As Lucas removed his hat, he said, “Kirkland is already setting some impressive wheels in motion.”

  “I’m glad to hear that. I considered going with you, but . . .” She chuckled. “I feel as if I’ve turned into a potted plant since Maddy was born. About all I want to do is sit and hold her.”

  Kendra laughed. “This will pass, so enjoy it while you can.”

  “Would you like to hold her?” Suzanne offered. “I could use a good stretch.”

  “I’d love to.” Gently Kendra took the baby in her arms and settled in a chair as Suzanne stood and stretched her arms wide. “So beautiful, and so clearly a little girl,” she said softly. “Christopher was equally beautiful but equally clearly a little boy. How can that be when people say that babies all look alike?”

  “Telling boy from girl isn’t easy when they’re so small,” Lucas said. “But they are all their own selves from the moment they’re born.”

  Kendra realized she’d only ever held Christopher like this, never a baby girl. As she studied the rose-petal complexion, she felt a strange, deep stirring of pain so long buried she’d forgotten it. Pain and confusion and a man’s voice saying, “A girl and sickly. I have no need of a daughter. Get rid of it!” Kendra screaming silently as the infant was ruthlessly wrenched from her arms.

  Pain. Confusion. Frantic despair.

  Empty arms . . .

  The world darkened and she was having trouble breathing as the suffocating past drowned the present. Terrified of hurting Madeline, she stood and returned the infant to her mother, then lurched away.

  Cradling her daughter, Suzanne said urgently, “Kendra, what’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

  Kendra stumbled blindly over a chair and almost fell. “I had a daughter,” she gasped. “I had a daughter!”

  CHAPTER 11

  Unseeing, Kendra missed her footing and would have fallen if strong male arms hadn’t caught her and drawn her down to the sofa. Lucas’s warm embrace enfolded her against his chest, and the steady beat of his heart helped steady her shattered nerves.

  “Suzanne, order hot tea,” Lucas ordered. “And brandy as well.”

  Kendra heard Suzanne ring for the tea, felt Lucas wrap a knee robe around her shaking shoulders. “You’re safe here, Kendra,” he said in his low, soothing voice as he cradled her against him. “Whatever horror has attacked you is from the past. Now you’re safe with friends.”

  It wasn’t long before a hot mug fragrant with tea and brandy was pressed between her clenched hands. “Drink,” Lucas said firmly.

  She took a sip, then a larger one. Warmth began curling through her and her mind began to clear. “I’m sorry,” she said in a ragged voice. “That was . . . very strange.”

  “But also very real,” Lucas said quietly. “What a
re you remembering?”

  She began to shake again.

  Suzanne sat on her left side and slid a comforting hand around Kendra’s waist, below Lucas’s arm, which encircled her from the right. “Terrible memories lose some of their power when they are spoken aloud.” Wry humor entered Suzanne’s voice. “Ask me how I know.”

  Kendra managed a crooked smile, knowing that Suzanne must have survived shattering difficulties herself. “I didn’t realize what I had forgotten until I held Madeline.” Her gaze sharpened and she looked around the drawing room. “Where is she? She’s all right?”

  “I sent her up to the nursery with her nurse,” Suzanne said. “She’s fine and happy. It’s you I’m worried about.”

  Kendra closed her eyes for long moments as she pieced together jagged fragments of the past. Opening her eyes, she said, “I was nearing my time when Denshire decided that he wanted his son to be born at the family seat, Denfield Park. He was convinced the child would be a boy even though I pointed out to him that daughters happen.”

  “Indeed they do,” Suzanne said. “It must have been a difficult journey.”

  Kendra shuddered at the memory. “It was winter and we were traveling a particularly rutted section of road when my labor began. After that . . .” Kendra shook her head. “Everything is so confused. We stopped at the next village inn we came to and a midwife was called. I don’t remember her name, but she had fair hair and . . . kind hands.”

  She took a deep swallow of tea. “There was terrible pain and bleeding and I heard myself screaming but it seemed a long distance off. I felt very separate from what was happening. Later I was told that no one thought I’d survive.

  “My next clear memory was the midwife putting Christopher to my breast and saying very firmly that I had a fine baby boy and I must take care of him. When I held him, I became determined to survive and the mists began to clear. But I’d lost a lot of blood and had childbed fever and was very weak for a long time after.”

  “You had twins and one was stillborn?” Lucas asked quietly.

  “Twins, yes,” Kendra said, her voice tightening. “But the other baby, a girl, wasn’t stillborn. I . . . I remember holding her. She made a feeble little cry, like a kitten. She was so tiny and frail! I had decided that if I had a girl, I would name her Caitlin, for my mother. She had dark hair like Madeline, but she was a shadow child, not robust and healthy like your daughter, Suzanne.”

  The sight of Madeline in her arms had awoken the memory of her Caitlin. So fragile, so precious and fleeting. Kendra’s voice turned savage. “The true horror was hearing Denshire say to get rid of it, he didn’t need a sickly girl that surely wouldn’t last the night. He yanked her from my arms and . . . she gave a terrible little cry.”

  As the agony of that moment seared through her mind, Kendra began sobbing uncontrollably. She turned her face into Lucas’s shoulder.

  “Mon Dieu!” Suzanne whispered in a horrified voice. Her arm tightened around Kendra at the same time as Lucas’s. The warmth of their joint embrace saved Kendra from fracturing.

  As she sobbed her pain and anger away, she found a clarity she hadn’t known in years. At length she lifted her head and drew a deep breath. “Lucas, I’m sorry for soaking your coat.”

  He smiled at her. “No apology is necessary. It makes a man feel very manly when a beautiful woman cries on his shoulder.”

  His light tone surprised her into a crooked smile. “Best not to encourage me!”

  She hoped she never wept with such grief again. She rose to her feet, giving both companions a brief grateful hand squeeze first.

  Then she paced across the room as she ordered her thoughts. Now that light had been shined on the dark core of her hidden tragedy, she felt strong again after years of weakness. She turned to face Lucas and Suzanne, profoundly grateful for them. Suzanne, who had a Madonna’s warmth and a survivor’s steel. Lucas, who had endured a fractured life and become strong and compassionate.

  Aloud, she said, “Lucas, thank you for sharing your family with me.”

  “The pleasure is ours,” Suzanne said with a smile. “I always wanted a sister.”

  “I hope you’re not saying that just to be polite,” Kendra said wryly. “If I’m a sister, I’m an exhausting one! The last few days since we met have been educational, Lucas. At Thorsay House, there’s a clever little device called a kaleidoscope that a visitor left. It’s a silver tube, and inside, colored fragments of glass move as the tube is turned, creating different, unexpected patterns. That is what is happening to my life.”

  “Education about life makes us stronger, though generally at a steep cost,” Lucas said.

  “An understatement!” Kendra said fervently. “Now that I remember what happened, I see how everything changed after Christopher’s birth. As I recovered, I could hardly bear to let him out of my sight because I feared something might happen to him. I was grateful that he looked more like me than his father.”

  Her voice hardened. “That was also the true end of my marriage. I no longer wanted Denshire to touch me. Not that he made any real attempt to woo me back to his bed. He had his heir and his freedom to do as he wished in town while I lived in the country and tended to Christopher and the estate. I could have gone on that way indefinitely if he’d left me alone.”

  “What will you do now?” Suzanne asked softly.

  The answer came with absolute certainty. “I must go back to that village and find out what happened to my Caitlin. I hope someone baptized her and she was buried in holy ground and not just tossed away like . . .” Kendra’s voice broke and she couldn’t finish the sentence. “I’d like to say good-bye to her now since I couldn’t then.”

  “Of course you must go and learn what happened,” Lucas said calmly. “I’ll go with you. It’s not a mission that should be undertaken alone.”

  Kendra’s gaze locked with Lucas’s and a shiver ran down her spine. There was intense awareness between them and a sense of connection they had only just begun to explore. She had come to trust Lucas, and there was no one she’d rather have at her side on such a difficult journey. But... “The two of us traveling together would be rather scandalous.”

  “As has been pointed out, we’re both rather scandalous already.” His voice was calm, but she saw in his blue eyes how much he wanted to take this journey with her.

  Would it be wise to travel with the most attractive man she’d ever met? Was she ready for that? Perhaps it was time to find out. “Thank you, Lucas. I would appreciate your company. Not to mention that it might be a good idea for you to leave town before another Rogers brother can challenge you.”

  He chuckled. “I’d like to think that nonsense is over, but they seemed a pigheaded lot. If I’m out of sight, perhaps I’ll fade from their minds.”

  “I wouldn’t count on it,” Suzanne said. “But this sounds like a worthy mission to undertake while you’re waiting for Kirkland’s investigators to come up with useful information. Kendra, where is the village where you took refuge?”

  Kendra frowned. “I’ll have to find a map of the area. We didn’t take the usual road. Denshire insisted on a shortcut that he said would be faster. It wasn’t a good decision. Denshire Park is between Cirencester and Gloucester, so not a great distance from London. The village was . . . Little Dauntrey, I think.”

  “As a former exploring officer, Simon loves maps,” Suzanne said. “I’m sure he has some of that area.”

  “Would you object to calling on my great-aunt and uncle at Camden Keep?” Lucas asked. “It’s on the way and would be a convenient place to spend the night.”

  Kendra hesitated. “They may not welcome a scandalous woman into their house, and I can’t say that I’d blame them.”

  “They won’t mind. They lived in India for years while my uncle was the British Resident in one of the royal courts, so they are more broad-minded than most.”

  “And it will give you a chance to visit the Magdalene,” Suzanne answered. “Give her a kiss
for me.”

  “The Magdalene?” Kendra asked warily. “That could refer to me.”

  Lucas laughed. “The Magdalene is the mule who was my mount and companion during my Franciscan years. She was already old when I acquired her, so I brought her back to England to give her a comfortable retirement. She might have ended up in a stew pot if I’d left her in Belgium.”

  “Which would be a tragedy,” Suzanne said firmly. “She is a noble beast of great moral character and has earned kindness, green pastures, and a full manger.”

  “All of which my aunt and uncle provide. They rather dote on her,” Lucas agreed.

  “With such references, I cannot but honor her when we meet,” Kendra said with a straight face. “I’d like to leave as soon as possible, but tomorrow is the luncheon with influential ladies that you arranged for me, Suzanne. Lucas, what does your schedule look like?”

  “I’m going to visit Lady Kirkland’s infirmary tomorrow,” he replied. “She’s interested in my bonesetting skills. But after that I’m free to go.”

  “So day after tomorrow. That will give us time to study maps and hire a carriage and arrange the other necessities of travel.” She sighed. “I suppose there is no reason to rush after all these years.”

  “This journey isn’t so much about reason as about heart,” Lucas said quietly.

  He understands. Kendra needed to leave London to lay to rest the ghost of her lost child. But she also looked forward to spending time with Lucas.

  CHAPTER 12

  Lucas was buzzing with anticipation when Lady Kirkland called for him at Duval House the next morning. After greeting Suzanne and admiring Madeline, the countess led the way outside, saying with a smile, “You look like a schoolboy being taken to Astley’s Circus for a birthday treat.”

  He grinned as he helped her into her carriage. “Is it that obvious? I am looking forward to seeing your infirmary. It’s been too long since I’ve done anything useful.”

  “You sound like my brother Daniel,” she said as she settled into the leather seat. “Surgery and medicine are his passions. When he inherited a barony, he went searching for a wife who could manage the estate while he continued his medical work.”